April 1st, 10am
"First day at the beach. Found myself a little private nook with a palm sun shade and a little privacy thanks to some bushes and plants. Ive wadded in the water and let myself feel everything.As the sun browns my skin I hope it is also enriching me with new life. Newwisdom. New strength. I've been unashamed of my big fat body- paying no attention to whether the way I'm laying is flattering or not. I'll catch people passing by looking. I'm choosing to assume they are thinking "hey look at that unashamed woman " instead of something negative. Letting go of my insecurities also means letting go of my assumptions of others. Also coming to terms wih the fact not everyone is going to like me, and that is okay.
I'm currently reading The Art of Happiness by The Dalai Lama and learning about compassion. Having compassion in people and feeling where they are coming from before judging them or their actions in the world and towards me. This has been wildly helpful.
I have been trying to let go of negativity in my life for sometime now, and this trip is a major test. I will not pretend it isn't scary. Coming to terms with unhealthy parts of myself is very hard. Things I haven't wanted to admit to myself or take ownership of. The biggest hurdle for me as of late has been my relationship with food. I'm learning finally, to stop self medicating. I would use excessive unhealthy food and a bandage on my anxiety. The last three weeks I've been on a diet of sorts- yes my food is very restricted, but I'm looking at it more like a mental diet. Weaning myself off a crutch. I cannot deny that seeing a smaller body in the mirror is a great side effect.
Weight loss for me has always been so mentally trying. I feel the pressure of society wanting me thinner and I am vigilantly against it. I say a big "fuck you" to that pressure and always encorage others to do the same. Now that I do have some weight loss goals I'm so passionately trying to make people understand it is for my own health and happiness and not to adhere to the mould. But I realize I'm wasting energy with that. Fuck what others think. I do not have to justify anything I chose to do with my body.
That statement was freeing to write.
I'm almost moved to tears here on this beach.
This is exactly why I am here."
This particular morning on the beach was on of the most powerful I had all week, second only to later in the same day. Letting myself confront my insecurities was powerful and healing. After writing the above entry on my I-Phone on the beach, I was having an afternoon beverage in the lobby bar infront of the fountain, and journalled further about the morning....
"Thinking about more my anxieties, I realize I have a major issue with not feeling GOOD ENOUGH. A constant source of anxiety for me is whether a person likes me. I realize how idiotic this anxiety is, and trust me when I write that I know it is my fatal flaw. I AM OKAY.I AM GOOD ENOUGH.If others do not feel that way, I cannot let it ruin my outlook, ruin my strength, or ruin my self-worth. I am so comfortable and happy I could cry. Right here, under the Cuban sun, the gentle babble of the fountain, I feel totally alone- and that is NOT a bad thing. I am so comfortable in my solitude for the first time in my life. "
April 1st had so much more instore for me. The above was powerful and freeing, but the biggest and most moving parts are yet to come...
