My Big , Fat, Cuban Vacation- Round 2- April 6th- a Day at SEA for Lenora!

April 6th-

This day was by far the most memorable, and a highlight of my trip. Leslie and Terry, the vivacious and kind friends I made from the UK, invited me for a day-long fishing trip out to sea.

They've visited Cayo Guillermo yearly for nearly a decade, and have made some wonderful local friends, who are fishermen. This translated into the opportunity to experience a bit of the real Cuba you miss out on when staying at resorts. I was in for a real treat!

We boarded La Perla bright and early, armed with generous amounts of rum, beer, and an arm full of food we grabbed from the breakfast buffet.

I met Tom and Michael- Leslie and Terry's long time friends. Also on board was the captain, Juan Carlo, and his wife. I felt immediately comfortable- Tom and Michael were warm and personable, and were genuinely excited to be spending the day with us.

We pulled anchor and set out on the crystal water. The color was breathtaking.

A mile or two out, we dropped anchor, and Juan Carlo hopped down and jumped into some snorkeling gear, and without any explanation, dove into the water.

He was diving for lobster- to use as bait!

Once we were stocked with bait, we pulled anchor, cruised out a few more miles- and broke out the fishing gear.

Tom patiently showed me the ropes, and my line was cast. Before I knew it, within a minute,I had the first bite of the day!

And they just kept coming! I caught fish after fish, much to the surprise of the men. Leslie laughed heartily, and exclaimed " Show them how to do it, baby" in her thick accent.

Lunch time was approaching, and Juan Carlo and Micheal began to heatedly discuss which of the fish I'd caught they thought I would prefer to eat first. These are some of my favorite photos from my trip- they capture a candid and passionate moment, perfectly!

"You caught good fish!" Exclaims Juan Carlo.

Michael scurried down to the kitchen to get to cooking, while we continued to fish.

Just look at how blue and crystal-clear the water is , and how many little fishies you can see!

Before we knew it, lunch was served! Michael did an amazing job cooking up our catch- it was delicious! There is something very primal and satisfying about catching your own food.

d.

Our lunch view was really something- we'd dropped anchor next to a small uninhabited island called Bird Island.

As many of you know- I ADORE birds, so this was a dream come true for me. With our bellies full, we hopped off the back of the boat into the warm water, and swam up to our own deserted, tropical, paradise.

Terry took the lead and was already off exploring the island before us ladies had even stepped off the boat. King of the castle!

I wish I could have brought my camera to the island to document all the birds and flora on the island- but trust me when I say I was moved to tears. While we sunbathed on the white sand, and swam around in the deep water, Michael, Tom and Juan Carlo snorkeled for more lobster, and these curious creatures. Some form of conch -like mollusks that Michael insisted were delicious!

We spent a few hours anchored at Bird Island, soaking in the beauty. Soon, we began the cruise back to shore.

There was a very distinct vibe on the boat at this time. We all collectively experienced something tremendously beautiful and special, and we were able to acknowledge it without words. We were silent, and gazed out at the water. My eyes let go of a few happy tears, and Leslie nodded. I wondered to myself if she knew just how important and meaningful the day had been for me.

I thanked Michael, Tom, and Juan Carlo for everything. We hugged and I felt truly connected to them all. Michael touched my cheek and told me I was a natural born fisherman, and to come back soon, to catch him more fish. Leslie, Terry and I made plans to meet up for a late supper as I disembarked the boat, and I hurried down the dock to the shore.

I floated back to my room in a daze of absolute happiness and gratitude. I turned on the shower to wash away the salt and sand- and I cried. I cried passionate, happy tears. I'm crying the same tears now as I write this.

I sat on my balcony to dry my hair, and took to my journal...

6:50pm

"Today on the boat? There are no words. Catching fish, enjoying everyone's company ,swimming on a deserted beach? Heaven on earth. Terry and Leslie are two of the kindest souls I've ever met and I am so thankful to have them in my life to share this journey with me. Ill never forget today. The locals working on the boat, Michael, Tom and Juan Carlo? So friendly , warm and polite. I think today may have been one of the best times in my life. I close my eyes and immediately think of the beautiful crystal water and the hundreds of fish darting around . As I cast my first line, I asked the Universe for permission to take some of her creatures, and I immediately got a bite. I felt so , completely, connected."

Terry , Leslie and I enjoyed a delicious dinner, with lots of white wine and laughter. I thanked them from the bottom of my heart for the day, and for their company. I really wanted them to know just how special the experience was for me. After several more glasses of wine, we decided to call it a day, and get some much needed rest, and agreed to meet early in the morning for a final meal together before I had to fly home.

10pm-

"As I lay my head down, my heart and soul are full and happy. This week has been a blessing. I've learned an incredible amount about myself and the Universe - I am so overwhelmingly grateful. Tomorrow during my long trip journey home, I will be writing more extensively about everything. For now, I sleep. 

Life is beautiful."

Tomorrow will be my final entry in my vacation series.

 Until then,

 xoxo 

Lenora 

My Big , Fat, Cuban Vacation- Round 2- April 5th- Encounters with the Cuban Male Ego ,and dealing with negativity in new ways.

April 5th

"Nursing yet another mighty hangover, on the beach. Thank goodness for the cleansing powers of the sea. Last night I drank into the early morning hours with my new British friends. What a blessing they are. They invited me out fishing on Friday! Normally I would hesitate since it is a new situation and I don't know the parameters ,but I graciously accepted, and look forward to the adventure!"

What is a vacation without a little adventure? I made the right decision in accepting the invitation, as you will see in tomorrow's entry.

11am-

"This morning on TV in the lobby, I heard something powerful:

"The greatest journeys give you answers to questions you didn't even plan to ask."

That thought has stuck with me, hard. How true it is! I am so grateful and proud I took this trip- I have learned so much. I *have* been given answers to questions I hadn't even thought to ask. What a powerful statement...."

Most of the day on the 5th I floated around in the ocean, splashed around in the pool, chatted with people, and best yet- I didn't write or pick up my phone once during breakfast or lunch! I was feeling on top of the world.

Dinner time, however...would prove difficult for a whole different reason. To give you a little back story- last time I went to Cuba in January, I made friends with the hotel porter, "C" (I'm choosing to not share his full name out of respect of privacy). We kept in touch via email and texts, and made sure everything was set for my return trip. He was concerned I was travelling solo, and vowed to watch out for me. He was always the perfect gentleman, was very polite, and never crossed any lines. He never flirted, and would always shoo away flirty hotel workers if he noticed they were getting too forward. I was very grateful for his friendship, and on the 5th, I invited him out to dinner as a thank you. It turns out I was about to get more than I bargained for.

We went to a beautiful little restaurant on the beach, where they cook fresh-caught lobster on an open fire. It was delicious!

We talked about philosophy, our lives, my relationship with Nick and our future plans together...it was lovely! C was polite and everything was totally platonic. After dinner, we went for a walk on the beach, and a whole other side of him reared it's ugly head.

As I was dipping my toes into the water,he grabbed me and tried to kiss me. His fingers dug into my arms , hard. When I pushed him away, he got very angry. He began to yell. My heart began to race. He screamed at me " I've wasted so much time on you! Typing to you, texting you, making sure everything was good for your vacation,and you won't even touch me? I wasted SO MUCH TIME!" He started yelling at me in Spanish, and my eyes darted frantically around the beach for other people. My eyes met those of a concerned man walking with his children.

C's words really stung, and I began to yell right back. I told him I owed him nothing, I had a boyfriend, and if he thought I wasted his time, then not to allow me to waste anymore- and I began to storm off. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back, nearly causing me to lose my balance. I slapped him hard across the face. I told him to never speak to me again. He fell to his knees trying to apologize, and I turned and left. People around us were staring, and a woman approached me to ask if I was okay.

As I walked , fast and angry, down the beach, back to my room...heavy clouds were forming above. Just as I was reaching my room, lightening lit up the sky. I threw my arms up in the air and yelled " EXACTLY!" As I slipped my key card into the door, heavy rain began to fall. The universe was feeling exactly what I was feeling... I flung myself on my bed with my journal, and began to write feverishly.....

"Turns out C is an asshole...(insert a page of rambling about the already-explained situation).

He wasted his time?!? What a horrible thing to say to someone. He was so happy to see me when I arrived- it was genuine. He was probably just hurt that I turned him down. Maybe he was trying to be macho about it? It still hurts just the same...

I'm trying to be compassionate about it- he does live a hard life here, and did go out of his way to make me feel comfortable and safe. But, sex as a thank you? I don't think so.

This is another test. I'm mad, and hurt, but I'm going to try and utilize some of the things I've learned while here. Relax. Be compassionate, and let the water flow under the bridge. Normally I'd be a hot mess at a time like this . I'm surprisingly calm.

Yes, C is probably upset over the rejection, but he shouldn't have acted that way. He acted childish. As much as I dislike when people don't like me, I'm going to fight like hell to keep calm, and let this roll off my back. I will chalk this up to an unfortunate circumstance, but a learning experience none the less.

There. Having written a bit, I am completely calmed down, and ready to go spend some time with Terry and Leslie in the bar. How wonderful it is to have a better grasp on my emotions and anxiety!"

I couldn't believe how easy it was to calm myself down, and how unaffected I was in just a few minutes. Normally, I'd let a negative situation like that affect me deeply, dwell in it, take it far too personally...but being able to turn it around and see where C was probably coming from? It made it entirely easier. Later that evening when I was in the lobby, I saw C at the reception desk, his pant legs still sandy from when he threw himself to his knees. I felt no ill-will, no hatred...I just felt a bit sad for him.

I am incredibly proud of my progress into a happier, more positive, person.

I spent the early evening in the lobby bar with Leslie and Terry, as the house band went table to table , performing . The lobby has open-air sections, and the heavy rain flowed into the fountains and off of the roof. The sound of the rain added something magical to the music being played.

Tomorrow's entry will be beautiful. The highlight of my trip- my day out at sea, fishing! Stay tuned!

XO

Lenora

My Big,Fat,Cuban Vacation Round 2- April 4th- Sunbathing, Self-Doubt, Healing, and new friends!

April 4th,

1pm

"Spent the afternoon out on the dock letting go of yesterday's pain, and absorbing the healing power of the sun and sea. I'm currently eating lunch, and again, am feeling the persistent tug of anxiety. I'm choosing to rise above."

April 4th I began to let go of the last bits of my anxiety but I was still feeling heavy with self-doubt. I spent pretty much the entire day out on the dock reading, writing, relaxing, napping, swimming...it was lovely.

7pm-

"Dinner. Three glasses of white wine, talapia, and another mountain of julienne squash with vinegar. I feel like I am just going through the motions today. Self-discovery happened, I let go of some demons...and now I just feel lonely. Maybe I'm not the kind of person who should travel alone? I'm determined to enjoy the rest of my trip, though!"

What I didn't realize at the time, is that I'd look back at those moments of self-doubt and be extremely thankful for them. I *am* the type to travel alone, because I couldn't possibly have learned so much about myself if I hadn't been thrown out of my comfort zone. Something clicked for me after that meal. I got TIRED of feeling uncomfortable . I made a damn change. I set down my napkin, and instead of heading back to my room, I marched my ass right to the bar. I didn't care about being alone anymore.

9:30pm-

"At the bar, whiskey sour in hand, enjoying the band play. I've made some wonderful friends from the UK, who invited me to join their table. We've been gabbing and giggling and sharing stories from home. They've scurried off for a bite to eat, but will be returning. I'm saving the table, and feeling comfortable being alone. It's funny. Once I stopped caring that I was alone, it seems others did, as well."

This particular evening was a breakthrough for me. After a rough couple of days, I was feeling genuine happiness and pride in myself again. I made myself push through my insecurities, and was rewarded with meeting beautifully kind and down to earth people. Before I went to bed, I took a wander on the beach, and dipped my toes into the water....and said a big thank you, out loud. I made it a point to confess my sins and problems and woes to the ocean everyday, and ask it for forgiveness, and give thanks. The ocean has always held so much power to me...and it just felt right.

April 5th would test my positive outlook, and test my ability to deal with negativity. Until tomorrow,

xox

Lenora

My Big,Fat,Cuban Vacation Round 2- April 3rd- The evolution of relationships and overcoming more crippling anxiety.

April 3rd.

2pm

"Terribly hungover on the beach, but feeling good after reading a great part of The Art of Happiness about evolution and change in romantic relationships. Expecting the same level of passion and excitement to remain constant in a relationship over the years is not always realistic. Change and evolution happen in relationships, and one shouldn't view it negatively. I really needed to read that. Nick and I have been together for over 3 years now, and our honeymoon phase is definitely over, but we have evolved into a beautiful domestic partnership. We are still in love, even though the passion has evolved and changed. I am excited to share this book with Nick when I go home."

This was a very important realization for me- knowing that just because Nick and I have evolved, doesn't mean we've fallen out of love. When I realized this, I began to miss him terribly. When I returned home, I couldn't get enough of him. Not only had my trip rejuvenated me , but rejuvenated my relationship.

6:45 pm

"Crippling anxiety as I hide in my hotel room with the curtains drawn.

I'm trying to work through it, but I'm still feeling weak and hungover, which isn't helping.

I had to psych myself up to get dressed for dinner, and when I walked into the restaurant they were not open yet, and I was asked to come back in 10 minutes. I crumbled. Of course, the over-zealous fat girl would be the first to arrive! Was that running through their minds? Why am I letting something so small and pointless get to me? The idea of facing that same waiter again is turning my stomach!

I'm sitting here in my room thinking, you know, you don't REALLY need supper...but that is an unhealthy thought process. I skipped breakfast and lunch, and I really do need to eat. I'm trying to be calm and kind to myself right now , and walk out that door, and have a pleasant meal.

I'm feeling hyper-visible today, a loner, a weirdo. I cannot believe I have not made friends. Everyone I've tried to talk to has blown me off- which is odd for me, since I'm such a social person, and make friends easily at home. Everyone here is so normal, maybe I weird them out? Where are the damn alternative people?

I'm imagining walking into the restaurant, all eyes on me, as usual, but WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?! I'm alone, I'm weird, I'm fat, I'm tattooed, (I look damn fantastic in this dress though)...THE ONE MAKING THE BIGGEST DEAL ABOUT THIS SITUATION- IS ME!

Get over it. Put your shoes back on. Go have some squash and fish and wine, and ENJOY IT!"

This was by far my worst anxiety attack of the week. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share the above journal entry, but I feel it is important to show thought processes of someone gripped by anxiety. This is the reality. I am very aware , even at the time I am panicking, that it is ridiculous and pointless, but it doesn't stop the panic. I have to work through it. I haven't always been able to work through it, and I know many others who have a hard time working through it, and who will let their anxiety and panic keep them behind closed doors. It seems like a small, insignificant moment of my trip to blog about, but I wanted to be totally honest and open, and share all aspects of my learning and growth.

7:45 pm

"Now I'm proud to say I'm eating and keeping myself calm. I put my glasses on as if to hide behind them. Less attention. Or maybe it's just perceived as less I don't know. I'm really starting to see this trip as a social experiment. I'm learning quite a bit about others and especially myself."

April 3rd was a largely un-eventful day in terms of a vacation, but, was very important in terms of healing and recovering. This entry has been difficult to share as it is so very personal, and a very different "me" that I usually share on my blog. Every person has weak moments, and every person has their hurdles.

April 4th will be rather quiet, as well, a sort of calm-before-the-storm that is the beauty and intensity of the rest of my trip. I am eager to share it with you all!

xo

Lenora

My Big, Fat, Cuban Vacation Round 2- Day 1, ODE TO MY BELLY

April 1st, 3:45pm

"I just fell back in love with my body.

I just gave it so much love.

I indulged in vanity and took all sorts of fatkini self- portraits.

I exposed my big fat tummy in all it's glory and jumped on the bed and drank beer. I laughed and cried and yelled and giggled. I wrote on my tummy with my favorite red lipstick-" Cuba 2012". I photographed it, I smeared it. I loved every minute.

My stomach has been my final frontier. My last hurdle to overcome. The dimples , the stretch marks, the sheer size and how it overhangs. I grabbed it with both hands and accepted it. I grabbed it the way I used to grab it when I was an athlete swimmer, after a race, when, even though I beat my best time,won a race, and won a ribbon, I still felt it held me back. It never held me back. I grabbed it with that intensity but this time, in a positive way.

This body has experienced such beauty. How could I ever let any force in the universe tell me anything about this amazing vessel is wrong? I'm sorry , dear stomach, for never loving you. I'm sorry for putting things on you to make you look smaller but cutting into you and leaving scars. I'm sorry for wishing I could just cut you off. I'm sorry for not acknowledging your political power. I love you like every other part of me- not because you are different and boldly YOU, but because you've possessed this transcendent beauty and power , always, because you are part of how I live this beautiful life.

I'm sitting on my balcony looking out at the sea through teary eyes. How have I never realized existing was so beautiful ?? "

After I wrote this, I felt completely reborn. I was FREE. I wanted to run and prance on the beach and share all that I was feeling with the Universe. I washed off the lipstick on my stomach, I changed my hair flower, and I slipped into a bathing suit I've never worn in public, and I pranced down to the beach UNASHAMED.

"Writing after an amazing swim in the warm ocean. I've never felt such warm sea water. I asked the universe for more waves and she provided. It was moving. Floating freely, waves crashing over my exposed body. I firmly believe salt water cures all- be it sweat, tears , or the ocean. I feel rejuvenated. I'm going to doll myself up for dinner and the show. I don't care who stares, screw blending in! "

This day, was, by far, the most eye-opening and life-changing for me. As much as I've always been a body-acceptance advocate, my stomach was, as I said above, my final frontier I'd never truly accepted. Showing these photos to the world is the ultimate challenge- one that I am proud of myself for tackling.

Later that evening, I tackled a major anxiety of mine- eating alone. Many of my Iphone journal entries were written while eating, mostly to make myself look busy. After such a great , empowering day, I felt much better about being alone and eating...

"First night solo. I feel I am exuding grace and poise. Eating alone was far less stressful then it was this morning. I took my time and enjoyed my food as well as the flirty waiters. Now I'm sitting solo in the lobby having a drink to kill time before the show. Eyes on me ,I can feel them,but I will not crumble or fall victim to my anxiety. I feel I've accomplished so much in just one day. And here I thought 8 days wouldn't be enough. I'll be a brand spanking new person when I fly home".
"

Live your BIG FAT LIFE, always.

Tomorrow holds anxiety and giving into some of my fears. Highs and lows to every journey!

xox

My Big, Fat, Cuban Vacation- Day 1. Conquering solo dining, and using compassion to overcome anxiety.

April 1st, 10am

"First day at the beach. Found myself a little private nook with a palm sun shade and a little privacy thanks to some bushes and plants. Ive wadded in the water and let myself feel everything.
As the sun browns my skin I hope it is also enriching me with new life. Newwisdom. New strength. I've been unashamed of my big fat body- paying no attention to  whether the way I'm laying is flattering or not. I'll catch people passing by looking. I'm choosing to assume they are thinking "hey look at that unashamed woman " instead of something negative. Letting go of my insecurities also means letting go of my assumptions of others. Also coming to terms wih the fact not everyone is going to like me, and that is okay.

I'm currently reading The Art of Happiness by The Dalai Lama and learning about compassion. Having compassion in people and feeling where they are coming from before judging them or their actions in the world and towards me. This has been wildly helpful. 

I have been trying to let go of negativity in my life for sometime now, and this trip is a major test. I will not pretend it isn't scary. Coming to terms with unhealthy parts of myself is very hard. Things I haven't wanted to admit to myself or take ownership of. The biggest hurdle for me as of late has been my relationship with food. I'm learning finally, to stop self medicating. I would use excessive unhealthy food and a bandage on my anxiety. The last three weeks I've been on a diet of sorts- yes my food is very restricted, but I'm looking at it more like a mental diet. Weaning myself off a crutch. I cannot deny that seeing a smaller body in the mirror is a great side effect.

Weight loss for me has always been so mentally trying. I feel the pressure of society wanting me thinner and I am vigilantly against it. I say a big "fuck you" to that pressure and always encorage others to do the same. Now that I do have some weight loss goals I'm so passionately trying to make people understand it is for my own health and happiness and not to adhere to the mould. But I realize I'm wasting energy with that. Fuck what others think. I do not have to justify anything I chose to do with my body.

That statement was freeing to write.

I'm almost moved to tears here on this beach.

This is exactly why I am here."

This particular morning on the beach was on of the most powerful I had all week, second only to later in the same day. Letting myself confront my insecurities was powerful and healing. After writing the above entry on my I-Phone on the beach, I was having an afternoon beverage in the lobby bar infront of the fountain, and journalled further about the morning....

"Thinking about more my anxieties, I realize I have a major issue with not feeling GOOD ENOUGH. A constant source of anxiety for me is whether a person likes me. I realize how idiotic this anxiety is, and trust me when I write that I know it is my fatal flaw. 

I AM OKAY.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

If others do not feel that way, I cannot let it ruin my outlook, ruin my strength, or ruin my self-worth. 

I am so comfortable and happy I could cry. Right here, under the Cuban sun, the gentle babble of the fountain, I feel totally alone- and that is NOT a bad thing. I am so comfortable in my solitude for the first time in my life. "

April 1st had so much more instore for me. The above was powerful and freeing, but the biggest and most moving parts are yet to come...