My Big, Fat, Cuban Vacation Round 2- Day 1, ODE TO MY BELLY

April 1st, 3:45pm

"I just fell back in love with my body.

I just gave it so much love.

I indulged in vanity and took all sorts of fatkini self- portraits.

I exposed my big fat tummy in all it's glory and jumped on the bed and drank beer. I laughed and cried and yelled and giggled. I wrote on my tummy with my favorite red lipstick-" Cuba 2012". I photographed it, I smeared it. I loved every minute.

My stomach has been my final frontier. My last hurdle to overcome. The dimples , the stretch marks, the sheer size and how it overhangs. I grabbed it with both hands and accepted it. I grabbed it the way I used to grab it when I was an athlete swimmer, after a race, when, even though I beat my best time,won a race, and won a ribbon, I still felt it held me back. It never held me back. I grabbed it with that intensity but this time, in a positive way.

This body has experienced such beauty. How could I ever let any force in the universe tell me anything about this amazing vessel is wrong? I'm sorry , dear stomach, for never loving you. I'm sorry for putting things on you to make you look smaller but cutting into you and leaving scars. I'm sorry for wishing I could just cut you off. I'm sorry for not acknowledging your political power. I love you like every other part of me- not because you are different and boldly YOU, but because you've possessed this transcendent beauty and power , always, because you are part of how I live this beautiful life.

I'm sitting on my balcony looking out at the sea through teary eyes. How have I never realized existing was so beautiful ?? "

After I wrote this, I felt completely reborn. I was FREE. I wanted to run and prance on the beach and share all that I was feeling with the Universe. I washed off the lipstick on my stomach, I changed my hair flower, and I slipped into a bathing suit I've never worn in public, and I pranced down to the beach UNASHAMED.

"Writing after an amazing swim in the warm ocean. I've never felt such warm sea water. I asked the universe for more waves and she provided. It was moving. Floating freely, waves crashing over my exposed body. I firmly believe salt water cures all- be it sweat, tears , or the ocean. I feel rejuvenated. I'm going to doll myself up for dinner and the show. I don't care who stares, screw blending in! "

This day, was, by far, the most eye-opening and life-changing for me. As much as I've always been a body-acceptance advocate, my stomach was, as I said above, my final frontier I'd never truly accepted. Showing these photos to the world is the ultimate challenge- one that I am proud of myself for tackling.

Later that evening, I tackled a major anxiety of mine- eating alone. Many of my Iphone journal entries were written while eating, mostly to make myself look busy. After such a great , empowering day, I felt much better about being alone and eating...

"First night solo. I feel I am exuding grace and poise. Eating alone was far less stressful then it was this morning. I took my time and enjoyed my food as well as the flirty waiters. Now I'm sitting solo in the lobby having a drink to kill time before the show. Eyes on me ,I can feel them,but I will not crumble or fall victim to my anxiety. I feel I've accomplished so much in just one day. And here I thought 8 days wouldn't be enough. I'll be a brand spanking new person when I fly home".
"

Live your BIG FAT LIFE, always.

Tomorrow holds anxiety and giving into some of my fears. Highs and lows to every journey!

xox

Lets catch up, shall we?

Hello bunnies.

As usual, I have been lacking in the blogging department. My apologies.

To be honest, I've been in a rut. I've felt alienated from the internet and blogging, and needed some time. I've also been battling a slight case of the glums thanks to the season change.

All of us on our journey of self-acceptance and love will experience the occasional bumps and potholes- this is something I've come to accept, because it is okay, and natural. These last few weeks, I've been feeling frumpy and crappy, and have been living in yoga pants. I've been doing heaps of thinking, and coming to terms with past demons. This time has been both heart wrenching and fruitful.

Today was the first day in a week I put myself together. Nothing gets me out of my rut like wiggling into a snazzy outfit. I was sure to pin on my Definatalie "FAT" necklace, that I converted into a brooch. This piece of jewelry is powerful and sacred for me. Reclaiming the word people have tried to cut me down with over the years is one of the biggest steps I have made on my journey to self-love.

"FAT" for me is a wonderful and neutral adjective. To use it and identify with it makes me feel empowered and invigorated. Those who use the word with negative connotations only show their own ignorance and insecurity ; two things that are highly contagious that I refuse to catch.

So, my darling bunnies, what words do YOU find empowering? What small rituals do you partake in when you are feeling glum?

Yours always in sassy fatness,

xo Lenora

Let me teach you a lil' something, my pretties.

The time has come to explain a few things.

I have lost count of just how many times someone has questioned my self-identifying as a fat activist.
Let me clear it up for you, dear readers.

I am a fat activist.




I am an activist, who is fat.
I am an activist for those who are fat.
I am an activist and advocate for acceptance of all bodies, shapes, sizes, colors, genders, etc.


I use the word “fat”.as a neutral descriptor. “ Fat” is an adjective. I do not put any negative connotations on the word. As many other stigmatized words, it is being taken back, and used in new ways. I will not let the word “ Fat” be used against me as a negative. Saying “ Shit, bitch, you look fat today” computes as “Shit bitch, you look white/female/human today.” Your negativity will not cut me, and I will fight like hell to stop it from cutting others.


I do not promote obesity.
I do not deny that there are many health problems linked to obesity.

I DO NOT BUY INTO THE COMMERCIALIZATION OF BODY HATRED.

I do not believe that all fat bodies are unhealthy. (This is SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN, people. Look into the “Health and Every Size” movement.) Just as I don’t believe all extremely thin bodies are unhealthy.

I do not believe all the “research” (propaganda) out there that is preaching the evils of being even slightly overweight. (When reading statistics- look into who conducts the studies. Studies can be highly biased, often results are swayed in the direction the conductor wants, usually for financial gain. Ha, gain, see what I did there?)

I am not a “skinny bitch” hater. Skinny bitches are beautiful. Fat bitches are beautiful. In-between bitches are beautiful. Non-bitches are beautiful…HUMAN BEINGS ARE GODDAMNED BEAUTIFUL IN ALL THEIR VARYING FORMS! ! It is okay to say this, and mean it!

I believe that discriminating someone based on their body is shameful, disgusting, and a huge HUGE problem in our world today.

I believe a person has the right to occupy as much or as little space as they want, without being made to feel guilty.


I believe all these things and more….and wish so very hard that more people would challenge their views on bodies in general.

Why?

We experience the world through our bodies. A positive, healthy relationship with our bodies is key in a fulfilling life.

My body is how I’ve learned, grown, lived, loved, hated, explored and hidden.
All these experiences and more are near and dear to me- I cherish them deeply…and know they would not have been the same in any other body. I have experienced hardships with my body, and because of my body , and yet I love each and every inch of myself, and I will not let anyone tell me I shouldn’t.

I am truly saddened when a woman, who has just finished praising me for my confidence, then utters “ I wish I could feel as good….” YOU CAN! YOU SHOULD! PLEASE DO! This is not an impossible task.


I am fat.

“Coming out” as fat was a huge deal.
I was met with so many “ Oh , no , you’re not fat! You’re chubby/porky/pleasantly plump/curvy”… How dare you try and deny me my own self-identity?

I am not a big slothy slob. I go to the gym 3 times a week, I eat a well balanced diet, and am health conscious. I camp, I fish, I go canoeing, I am a certified lifeguard. I am not married to my couch, glued to a bag of chips with pizza man on speed dial.

The sad thing? I have to tell you these things to get your respect.

I break boundaries.
I make people think twice about what a fat person can and can’t do.
I encourage other fat people to do the same.
I encourage all people to challenge notions about what a “normal” body is and can do.


I could go on and on.

I would like to share another rant that is extremely appropriate to this topic. This woman’s writing has inspired me greatly, and this entry in particular feels as if I could have written it myself from my own heart. Please take the time to read it in its entirety. It is not what you think. http://bloginatrix.com/?p=498 . Here is a bit that I particularly enjoy:

“The people who told you that my fat is a failing on my part? They were lying.
The people who told you that fat is the same thing as weak and lazy and stupid? They were lying.
The people who told you that morality has a place in conversations about mass? They were lying, too.
And the people who told you my size is your business, that you have the god-given right to judge me based on my shape, my dimensions? Liars.
All of these people lying to you… about me.

The point is money. The point is power.
They lie because they wanted you to buy things.
They lie to you, about me, about what fat means, because they want you to be scared of becoming me.
..I am sorry that you believe being me would be so terrible. (It isn’t.)
…I am a human being who has a body, and I manage that body the absolute best way I know how.
I’m sorry they’ve made that so very easy for you to forget”


Does all this answer your questions?

No longer do I seem like some fat girl prancing about screaming “ Yaye fatties, be fat, fuck ya’ll skinny bitches, if I say fat is okay, I’ll feel okay about myself, but I‘m secretly lying.”

No.

The bottom line is, when I step out into a world that hates me…instead of curling into a big squishy ball and letting the hate and ignorance perpetuate itself….I do something about it. I say something about it. I put my big fat foot down.

At the end of the day…. I can stand totally naked in front of my mirror, looking at every fold, stretch mark, curve, dimple and “imperfection” . I can see and feel the power , grace and creativity my body possesses., and I say “ I like this” …. “ I am beautiful” .

And when I stand there, free of the pressure of what the world wants me to be….all I can think of is how much I wish that every other person out there, could look into their mirrors or step into the street and say and feel the same things about themselves….

And mean it.


photocredit: http://www.definatalie.com