"I just fell back in love with my body.
I just gave it so much love.
I indulged in vanity and took all sorts of fatkini self- portraits.
I exposed my big fat tummy in all it's glory and jumped on the bed and drank beer. I laughed and cried and yelled and giggled. I wrote on my tummy with my favorite red lipstick-" Cuba 2012". I photographed it, I smeared it. I loved every minute.
My stomach has been my final frontier. My last hurdle to overcome. The dimples , the stretch marks, the sheer size and how it overhangs. I grabbed it with both hands and accepted it. I grabbed it the way I used to grab it when I was an athlete swimmer, after a race, when, even though I beat my best time,won a race, and won a ribbon, I still felt it held me back. It never held me back. I grabbed it with that intensity but this time, in a positive way.
This body has experienced such beauty. How could I ever let any force in the universe tell me anything about this amazing vessel is wrong? I'm sorry , dear stomach, for never loving you. I'm sorry for putting things on you to make you look smaller but cutting into you and leaving scars. I'm sorry for wishing I could just cut you off. I'm sorry for not acknowledging your political power. I love you like every other part of me- not because you are different and boldly YOU, but because you've possessed this transcendent beauty and power , always, because you are part of how I live this beautiful life. 
I'm sitting on my balcony looking out at the sea through teary eyes. How have I never realized existing was so beautiful ?? "
After I wrote this, I felt completely reborn. I was FREE. I wanted to run and prance on the beach and share all that I was feeling with the Universe. I washed off the lipstick on my stomach, I changed my hair flower, and I slipped into a bathing suit I've never worn in public, and I pranced down to the beach UNASHAMED.
"Writing after an amazing swim in the warm ocean. I've never felt such warm sea water. I asked the universe for more waves and she provided. It was moving. Floating freely, waves crashing over my exposed body. I firmly believe salt water cures all- be it sweat, tears , or the ocean. I feel rejuvenated. I'm going to doll myself up for dinner and the show. I don't care who stares, screw blending in! "
This day, was, by far, the most eye-opening and life-changing for me. As much as I've always been a body-acceptance advocate, my stomach was, as I said above, my final frontier I'd never truly accepted. Showing these photos to the world is the ultimate challenge- one that I am proud of myself for tackling.
Later that evening, I tackled a major anxiety of mine- eating alone. Many of my Iphone journal entries were written while eating, mostly to make myself look busy. After such a great , empowering day, I felt much better about being alone and eating...
"First night solo. I feel I am exuding grace and poise. Eating alone was far less stressful then it was this morning. I took my time and enjoyed my food as well as the flirty waiters. Now I'm sitting solo in the lobby having a drink to kill time before the show. Eyes on me ,I can feel them,but I will not crumble or fall victim to my anxiety. I feel I've accomplished so much in just one day. And here I thought 8 days wouldn't be enough. I'll be a brand spanking new person when I fly home".
"
"Live your BIG FAT LIFE, always.
Tomorrow holds anxiety and giving into some of my fears. Highs and lows to every journey!
xox
5 comments:
I remember feeling so much anxiety when my dining company left me at the restaurant to go to shop next door. As I waited for them to come back and I ordered a coffee and desert. I felt so awkward! I started texting a friend just to look busy. I could very much feel you in your writing, your tears and your joy and I feel so proud for you and of you. I only hope I can be there one day. How free you must feel. I would love to feel that way too. You are beautiful, Stephanie, inside and out. xx
I feel so much happiness for you right now!!!
Hi, I follow you on Tumblr, and I'm so glad that I am now following your blog. :D This is so beautiful. I am beyond happy for you. I have felt these same things; upon reading this, there were smiles and tears..you've inspired me!
I wish you continued happiness on this journey; I can't wait to read more about it. And just for the record, you are stunning..inside and out. And you look fabulous in your bikini!!!
my god, you are a GIFT to all of us. How I adore you <3 you made tears come to my eyes =-) and I understand exactly how you felt. Always keep that feeling with you and remember it when somethign happens to make you feel ashamed again! Pull strength from it and keep it beside you like a best friend. Pull it over you at night like a blanket and let's it warmth renew you each night.
Oh wow, thank you for this beautifully expressed and photographed post. I feel so moved by your experiences on a solo beach holiday! Thank you for sharing your fears and how you are finding strength to overcome them. Surely, spending time swimming in beautiful, warm water is mother nature's way of kissing you all over and telling you you're perfect. I have struggled to display my belly stretch marks and saggy skin from having four huge babies (hey, I could have nibbled on fresh air during pregnancy, but no, I gobbled delicious foods and gained around 18kg each time). It's only recently I feel I can accept that those are my marks of mothering - all that remains of those baby days as my children quickly grow up (22,14,11 & 9). xoxo
Post a Comment