My Big , Fat, Cuban Vacation- Round 2- April 2nd- Anxiety rears it's ugly head

April 2nd
10am

"At the beach. A little more exposed today and mostly comfortable. Except the hotel worker/ security guard seated 4 feet to my left and staring and whistling. Whatever. Take it all in buddy. Being alone is harder than I thought. I'd love to make some friends to drink and eat with. I'm trying not to be lonely but it is proving increasingly hard. I wonder what the other guests think of me. The weird loner perhaps. Oh stop with the negativity and anxiety! I'm just having an off day"

6:49pm

"Supper time. Not really hungry just being social I guess. I've been embarrassed by first sitting at a table reserved for a birthday and being asked to move. I feel like everyone is staring.  My anxiety is spiraling. Gotta keep it under control. I'm going to go for a walk on the beach to take photos and drink my face off later"

For the majority of the day, as you can see,  I was feeling very anxious. I was having a down day. It was a challenge for me to go for meals and not feel self-conscious being alone. A large source of anxiety for me has always been eating alone, or being alone in public in general. Eating in public is such a social/ group behavior and every meal I had while in Cuba was a challenge. Each meal, however, did get easier. I realized other diners were probably a hell of a lot more interested in what was on their plate then the solo tattooed woman eating a plate full of squash. As I'd tackled earlier in the week- I realized mostly 100% of my anxiety was from myself, and as soon as I changed my own outlook, it became much easier. I still, however, continued to write notes on my I-Phone during each meal. It was my crutch, my surrogate companion. 

Of course, I did just as I said in my note,  and went to the beach to take photos of the sunset. 

Being alone on the beach attracted a few of the locals to speak to me and invite me to the local disco. I politely declined, but obliged when they asked to be photographed . I noticed these two, Juan and Oscar, frequently during the week, walking up and down the beach, flirting with yuma ( foreigners). I noticed quite a few times that they were being given little gifts from young , white women. No doubt in my mind these two are seasoned jineteros - flirting and wooing pretty, young, tourists for money and gifts. This is very common among male and female resort workers, as well. I cannot count how many times I was shamelessly flirted with, and then asked to bring beer or lunch to a certain place to "spend time together". Luckily, I was schooled on this behavior my last trip, and know better then to fall for it!

After the sun set, and the moon began to shine, I decided to run back to my room to fill my purse with cans of cerveza (beer) and returned to the beach. I sat under moon-lit palm trees and listened to the ocean passionately caress the shore. I asked the universe for strength, and I drank one too many beer. Luckily, a friendly security guard was close by , which put my mind at ease. I gave him a few beer, and he made sure I got back to my room safe and sound, as I'd wandered quite far down the dark beach.

All in all, April 2nd, and the next coming days, would be a test of what I'd come to learn so far. Anxiety and self-doubt would continue to pop up. I promise, all ended well, however!

XOX

Lenora

My Big , Fat, Cuban Vacation- Round 2

Hello my lovelies.

As some of you know, I recently returned from my 2nd trip to Cuba in 2 months. My 1st trip back in January found me terribly sick for the majority, and my life had been a whirl-wind of anxiety and depression for several weeks there after. I made the decision to throw myself out of my comfort zone- and book a 2nd trip, solo.

I have decided to write a series of personal, in-depth entries about my trip. My trip was one of self-care, self-love, self-exploration, and self-discovery. I journaled extensively daily, and found answers to questions I hadn't even planned on asking. I let my tears fall into the sand and into the ocean, and found new love for life ,myself, and others. The journey is one I want to share with you all. I feel I have returned a new woman, and I'd like to introduce you all to her.

So, in coming days, I will be sharing approximately 8 entries from various stages of my trip. I will structure the entries by sharing exerts from my Iphone notes or journal entries, and writing an after-thought and reflection. Of course, I'll be sharing photos along the way.

So, I invite you to come along on this journey with me.

XOX

Lenora

My big , fat, Cuban vacation.

My darling bunnies, it is with a heavy heart I report... I am home.

In other words? Cuba was unbelievable.

8 blissful days of sun, surf, sand, and mojitos. We stayed in sunny Cayo Coco, and were blessed with warm weather all week.

I fully immersed myself in the whole experience, and did exactly what I wanted, when I wanted...which chalked up to a whole lot of nothing- and it was glorious.

I let myself unwind completely , catch up on my reading, and spent most of my time fighting off advances. I'll tell you, if ever I'm feeling down about myself, Cuba is definitely the place to go! Every day saw flirtation, invitations to dinner, little gifts, knocks on my door at midnight...my mother quickly became annoyed and extremely protective. I was flattered, but I'll admit, it became a bit exhausting! I was "the one with the eyes" -and all of the male staff whispered when I walked passed. Silly boys!

I made a wonderful friend named Ceidel, the hotel porter, who kept me safe from the flirtatious boys, made sure I was okay when I became sick, showed me around the grounds, took me bird watching, etc. I am very thankful to have met him, he really made my trip special.

I snuck away on my own quite a bit, to do some thinking, healing, growing. On the last afternoon, I sat down in the shade, and wrote a letter to the universe...

This was a very important excercise for me, as I promised myself I would leave all that worried me buried deep in the sand when I flew home.

I wrote down a neat list of everything I would leave behind, and sealed it in envelop...

and buried it deep in the sand on a remote section of the beach.

Spending time with my mother was lovely, and seeing my aunt and uncle after 10 years was also very special.

I couldn't have asked for a better time. I wanted to stay longer, until the money ran out, but the red tape was too much to handle, so I will have to settle for returning the next I am able, and plan for a longer stay.

I spent my mornings in the hotel open-air lobby reading with a mimosa in hand, and my afternoons on the beach or by the pool. Not a care in the world- a gal could really get used to that lifestyle.

Unfortunately, on the way home, we had an extended stay at the Cuban airport due to our plane having to make an emergency landing in Florida- the windshield cracked! That extended stay meant having to eat the airport food, which did not end well. Yep. All of us Canadians are currently hurting units! What a way to end a vacation- with one hell of a stomach virus. I'm writing this while still feeling the effects. I have to say, though, it was worth it.

If you are interested in seeing more photos- click on over to my Flickr . There are a whole bunch!

And so ends another adventure for Lenora... Now, to deal with the post-vacation depressing haze.

Hola!

XOX

Lenora