My Big , Fat, Cuban Vacation- Round 2- April 5th- Encounters with the Cuban Male Ego ,and dealing with negativity in new ways.

April 5th

"Nursing yet another mighty hangover, on the beach. Thank goodness for the cleansing powers of the sea. Last night I drank into the early morning hours with my new British friends. What a blessing they are. They invited me out fishing on Friday! Normally I would hesitate since it is a new situation and I don't know the parameters ,but I graciously accepted, and look forward to the adventure!"

What is a vacation without a little adventure? I made the right decision in accepting the invitation, as you will see in tomorrow's entry.

11am-

"This morning on TV in the lobby, I heard something powerful:

"The greatest journeys give you answers to questions you didn't even plan to ask."

That thought has stuck with me, hard. How true it is! I am so grateful and proud I took this trip- I have learned so much. I *have* been given answers to questions I hadn't even thought to ask. What a powerful statement...."

Most of the day on the 5th I floated around in the ocean, splashed around in the pool, chatted with people, and best yet- I didn't write or pick up my phone once during breakfast or lunch! I was feeling on top of the world.

Dinner time, however...would prove difficult for a whole different reason. To give you a little back story- last time I went to Cuba in January, I made friends with the hotel porter, "C" (I'm choosing to not share his full name out of respect of privacy). We kept in touch via email and texts, and made sure everything was set for my return trip. He was concerned I was travelling solo, and vowed to watch out for me. He was always the perfect gentleman, was very polite, and never crossed any lines. He never flirted, and would always shoo away flirty hotel workers if he noticed they were getting too forward. I was very grateful for his friendship, and on the 5th, I invited him out to dinner as a thank you. It turns out I was about to get more than I bargained for.

We went to a beautiful little restaurant on the beach, where they cook fresh-caught lobster on an open fire. It was delicious!

We talked about philosophy, our lives, my relationship with Nick and our future plans together...it was lovely! C was polite and everything was totally platonic. After dinner, we went for a walk on the beach, and a whole other side of him reared it's ugly head.

As I was dipping my toes into the water,he grabbed me and tried to kiss me. His fingers dug into my arms , hard. When I pushed him away, he got very angry. He began to yell. My heart began to race. He screamed at me " I've wasted so much time on you! Typing to you, texting you, making sure everything was good for your vacation,and you won't even touch me? I wasted SO MUCH TIME!" He started yelling at me in Spanish, and my eyes darted frantically around the beach for other people. My eyes met those of a concerned man walking with his children.

C's words really stung, and I began to yell right back. I told him I owed him nothing, I had a boyfriend, and if he thought I wasted his time, then not to allow me to waste anymore- and I began to storm off. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back, nearly causing me to lose my balance. I slapped him hard across the face. I told him to never speak to me again. He fell to his knees trying to apologize, and I turned and left. People around us were staring, and a woman approached me to ask if I was okay.

As I walked , fast and angry, down the beach, back to my room...heavy clouds were forming above. Just as I was reaching my room, lightening lit up the sky. I threw my arms up in the air and yelled " EXACTLY!" As I slipped my key card into the door, heavy rain began to fall. The universe was feeling exactly what I was feeling... I flung myself on my bed with my journal, and began to write feverishly.....

"Turns out C is an asshole...(insert a page of rambling about the already-explained situation).

He wasted his time?!? What a horrible thing to say to someone. He was so happy to see me when I arrived- it was genuine. He was probably just hurt that I turned him down. Maybe he was trying to be macho about it? It still hurts just the same...

I'm trying to be compassionate about it- he does live a hard life here, and did go out of his way to make me feel comfortable and safe. But, sex as a thank you? I don't think so.

This is another test. I'm mad, and hurt, but I'm going to try and utilize some of the things I've learned while here. Relax. Be compassionate, and let the water flow under the bridge. Normally I'd be a hot mess at a time like this . I'm surprisingly calm.

Yes, C is probably upset over the rejection, but he shouldn't have acted that way. He acted childish. As much as I dislike when people don't like me, I'm going to fight like hell to keep calm, and let this roll off my back. I will chalk this up to an unfortunate circumstance, but a learning experience none the less.

There. Having written a bit, I am completely calmed down, and ready to go spend some time with Terry and Leslie in the bar. How wonderful it is to have a better grasp on my emotions and anxiety!"

I couldn't believe how easy it was to calm myself down, and how unaffected I was in just a few minutes. Normally, I'd let a negative situation like that affect me deeply, dwell in it, take it far too personally...but being able to turn it around and see where C was probably coming from? It made it entirely easier. Later that evening when I was in the lobby, I saw C at the reception desk, his pant legs still sandy from when he threw himself to his knees. I felt no ill-will, no hatred...I just felt a bit sad for him.

I am incredibly proud of my progress into a happier, more positive, person.

I spent the early evening in the lobby bar with Leslie and Terry, as the house band went table to table , performing . The lobby has open-air sections, and the heavy rain flowed into the fountains and off of the roof. The sound of the rain added something magical to the music being played.

Tomorrow's entry will be beautiful. The highlight of my trip- my day out at sea, fishing! Stay tuned!

XO

Lenora

My Big , Fat, Cuban Vacation- Round 2- April 2nd- Anxiety rears it's ugly head

April 2nd
10am

"At the beach. A little more exposed today and mostly comfortable. Except the hotel worker/ security guard seated 4 feet to my left and staring and whistling. Whatever. Take it all in buddy. Being alone is harder than I thought. I'd love to make some friends to drink and eat with. I'm trying not to be lonely but it is proving increasingly hard. I wonder what the other guests think of me. The weird loner perhaps. Oh stop with the negativity and anxiety! I'm just having an off day"

6:49pm

"Supper time. Not really hungry just being social I guess. I've been embarrassed by first sitting at a table reserved for a birthday and being asked to move. I feel like everyone is staring.  My anxiety is spiraling. Gotta keep it under control. I'm going to go for a walk on the beach to take photos and drink my face off later"

For the majority of the day, as you can see,  I was feeling very anxious. I was having a down day. It was a challenge for me to go for meals and not feel self-conscious being alone. A large source of anxiety for me has always been eating alone, or being alone in public in general. Eating in public is such a social/ group behavior and every meal I had while in Cuba was a challenge. Each meal, however, did get easier. I realized other diners were probably a hell of a lot more interested in what was on their plate then the solo tattooed woman eating a plate full of squash. As I'd tackled earlier in the week- I realized mostly 100% of my anxiety was from myself, and as soon as I changed my own outlook, it became much easier. I still, however, continued to write notes on my I-Phone during each meal. It was my crutch, my surrogate companion. 

Of course, I did just as I said in my note,  and went to the beach to take photos of the sunset. 

Being alone on the beach attracted a few of the locals to speak to me and invite me to the local disco. I politely declined, but obliged when they asked to be photographed . I noticed these two, Juan and Oscar, frequently during the week, walking up and down the beach, flirting with yuma ( foreigners). I noticed quite a few times that they were being given little gifts from young , white women. No doubt in my mind these two are seasoned jineteros - flirting and wooing pretty, young, tourists for money and gifts. This is very common among male and female resort workers, as well. I cannot count how many times I was shamelessly flirted with, and then asked to bring beer or lunch to a certain place to "spend time together". Luckily, I was schooled on this behavior my last trip, and know better then to fall for it!

After the sun set, and the moon began to shine, I decided to run back to my room to fill my purse with cans of cerveza (beer) and returned to the beach. I sat under moon-lit palm trees and listened to the ocean passionately caress the shore. I asked the universe for strength, and I drank one too many beer. Luckily, a friendly security guard was close by , which put my mind at ease. I gave him a few beer, and he made sure I got back to my room safe and sound, as I'd wandered quite far down the dark beach.

All in all, April 2nd, and the next coming days, would be a test of what I'd come to learn so far. Anxiety and self-doubt would continue to pop up. I promise, all ended well, however!

XOX

Lenora

My big , fat, Cuban vacation.

My darling bunnies, it is with a heavy heart I report... I am home.

In other words? Cuba was unbelievable.

8 blissful days of sun, surf, sand, and mojitos. We stayed in sunny Cayo Coco, and were blessed with warm weather all week.

I fully immersed myself in the whole experience, and did exactly what I wanted, when I wanted...which chalked up to a whole lot of nothing- and it was glorious.

I let myself unwind completely , catch up on my reading, and spent most of my time fighting off advances. I'll tell you, if ever I'm feeling down about myself, Cuba is definitely the place to go! Every day saw flirtation, invitations to dinner, little gifts, knocks on my door at midnight...my mother quickly became annoyed and extremely protective. I was flattered, but I'll admit, it became a bit exhausting! I was "the one with the eyes" -and all of the male staff whispered when I walked passed. Silly boys!

I made a wonderful friend named Ceidel, the hotel porter, who kept me safe from the flirtatious boys, made sure I was okay when I became sick, showed me around the grounds, took me bird watching, etc. I am very thankful to have met him, he really made my trip special.

I snuck away on my own quite a bit, to do some thinking, healing, growing. On the last afternoon, I sat down in the shade, and wrote a letter to the universe...

This was a very important excercise for me, as I promised myself I would leave all that worried me buried deep in the sand when I flew home.

I wrote down a neat list of everything I would leave behind, and sealed it in envelop...

and buried it deep in the sand on a remote section of the beach.

Spending time with my mother was lovely, and seeing my aunt and uncle after 10 years was also very special.

I couldn't have asked for a better time. I wanted to stay longer, until the money ran out, but the red tape was too much to handle, so I will have to settle for returning the next I am able, and plan for a longer stay.

I spent my mornings in the hotel open-air lobby reading with a mimosa in hand, and my afternoons on the beach or by the pool. Not a care in the world- a gal could really get used to that lifestyle.

Unfortunately, on the way home, we had an extended stay at the Cuban airport due to our plane having to make an emergency landing in Florida- the windshield cracked! That extended stay meant having to eat the airport food, which did not end well. Yep. All of us Canadians are currently hurting units! What a way to end a vacation- with one hell of a stomach virus. I'm writing this while still feeling the effects. I have to say, though, it was worth it.

If you are interested in seeing more photos- click on over to my Flickr . There are a whole bunch!

And so ends another adventure for Lenora... Now, to deal with the post-vacation depressing haze.

Hola!

XOX

Lenora