The difference a year makes.

Hello all you beautiful creatures. 

So....it has been a year.

This space has been dormant, locked up, forgotten ....yes, for one year and one month. Last year I made the decision to tone-down my online presence, to enjoy a little privacy, and escape the stress that can sometime come with sharing so much of yourself with so many people. 

I've decided to revive this space- and with purpose.

Last year I shared my struggle with anxiety during a solo trip to Cuba. This year, I am experiencing a new struggle.  I've decided to share, as I did then, not only as a form of self-care for myself, but in a hope to help others, as well.  

But first, let’s recap a bit, shall we? Many things have changed in my world,  so allow me to bring you up to speed.

August 25^th, 2013 I turned 28...and it made me realize that 27 was the most beautiful, exiting, terrifying and amazing year of my life.  

I evolved. I stalled. I backtracked. I froze. I moved on, I changed, I evolved…

And I backtracked.

I cried. Laughed. Loved. Comitted. Ran. Hid. Shared. Reached out. 

Since I'm  being terribly cryptic , my year, in a very quick summary looked a little like this:

My short-lived career as a support worker exploded in my face. It proved to be horribly triggering for my anxiety. Also the company I worked for was just disgustingly immoral, unorganized and unprofessional. So, I quit. I accepted a job in the banking industry, with a very bright company where I felt instantly at-home. I can be myself, I’m appreciated, and I excel. 

27 became a magical number for me, because on April 27^th, at the age of 27^, I got married, after getting engaged on August 27^{th 2012.}  Our wedding was very small, non-traditional, quick, and perfect. 5 other people were present on my parent’s back patio, where we exchanged vows, rings , laughter and tears. We hopped  a quick flight down South to enjoy a warm and sunny honeymoon in the Dominican Republic. Everything was very last-minute, make-shift, casual, and I wouldn't change a thing. No matter how dark things get in my life, my wonderful husband is the one ray of sunshine that can always break through the clouds. He is truly my rock. 

Age 27 also saw :

-Nick and I lost one of our beloved pet birds, Agua. He passed away in my hands in January. We however, gained three new feathered family members (Norman Osbird, Brigitte Birdot, and Flyfree Bogart ) and our home is always full of happy song. 

-I gained 40 pounds and struggled with body image, emotional eating, and all those wonderful things...

- I started anti-anxiety medication for the first time in my life . Just before starting my new banking job in December, I finally reached out to my doctor, and admitted I needed some help. It worked for awhile, life was beautiful,  however, I ended up being terribly allergic to the medication, regressing horribly, and am now starting new medication. 

-I experienced crushing anxiety, loss, panic… and having my doctor putting me on medical  leave from my banking job.

With that last bullet point, you are right up to date- as I am currently typing from my couch, in my pyjamas, on my 4^th week of the above-mentioned medical/ stress leave.  I am a mess, but getting better , but I cannot deny is is  a struggle every day.

   

Sharing and writing  has been immensely therapeutic for me in the past. I’m turning to it again. I’ve decided to share my journey, much as I did last year.

I’m going to break my future posts down into weekly snapshots of my progress, or lack thereof.

So far, I’ve been sharing my journey with a smaller  group of friends online through Instagram and select facebook friends. The feedback has been very warm and encouraging. I’ve learned so much about friends and strangers who share this struggle , and we take solace in each other. I’ve been very honest and raw in sharing my ups and downs, and my self-care strategies.

Now, I’m going to review the last few weeks of photos…. And write.

So, I invite you  to read along.

Life is curiously circular and cyclical.... I’ve been here before, but things always change a slight bit.  Each time it is all the more profound and enlightening ... as well as terrifying. 

It’s good to be here again. I love you.

Xo


ps- 

For those of you not familiar with last year's Cuban entries, where I share my travel diary from my solo-trip, below are a few links to some posts, or you can search the tag "My Big Fat Cuban Vacation "
http://lenoralenoire.blogspot.ca/2012/04/my-big-fat-cuban-vacation-round-2.html

Stephanie

My Big,Fat,Cuban Vacation Round 2- April 4th- Sunbathing, Self-Doubt, Healing, and new friends!

April 4th,

1pm

"Spent the afternoon out on the dock letting go of yesterday's pain, and absorbing the healing power of the sun and sea. I'm currently eating lunch, and again, am feeling the persistent tug of anxiety. I'm choosing to rise above."

April 4th I began to let go of the last bits of my anxiety but I was still feeling heavy with self-doubt. I spent pretty much the entire day out on the dock reading, writing, relaxing, napping, swimming...it was lovely.

7pm-

"Dinner. Three glasses of white wine, talapia, and another mountain of julienne squash with vinegar. I feel like I am just going through the motions today. Self-discovery happened, I let go of some demons...and now I just feel lonely. Maybe I'm not the kind of person who should travel alone? I'm determined to enjoy the rest of my trip, though!"

What I didn't realize at the time, is that I'd look back at those moments of self-doubt and be extremely thankful for them. I *am* the type to travel alone, because I couldn't possibly have learned so much about myself if I hadn't been thrown out of my comfort zone. Something clicked for me after that meal. I got TIRED of feeling uncomfortable . I made a damn change. I set down my napkin, and instead of heading back to my room, I marched my ass right to the bar. I didn't care about being alone anymore.

9:30pm-

"At the bar, whiskey sour in hand, enjoying the band play. I've made some wonderful friends from the UK, who invited me to join their table. We've been gabbing and giggling and sharing stories from home. They've scurried off for a bite to eat, but will be returning. I'm saving the table, and feeling comfortable being alone. It's funny. Once I stopped caring that I was alone, it seems others did, as well."

This particular evening was a breakthrough for me. After a rough couple of days, I was feeling genuine happiness and pride in myself again. I made myself push through my insecurities, and was rewarded with meeting beautifully kind and down to earth people. Before I went to bed, I took a wander on the beach, and dipped my toes into the water....and said a big thank you, out loud. I made it a point to confess my sins and problems and woes to the ocean everyday, and ask it for forgiveness, and give thanks. The ocean has always held so much power to me...and it just felt right.

April 5th would test my positive outlook, and test my ability to deal with negativity. Until tomorrow,

xox

Lenora

My Big,Fat,Cuban Vacation Round 2- April 3rd- The evolution of relationships and overcoming more crippling anxiety.

April 3rd.

2pm

"Terribly hungover on the beach, but feeling good after reading a great part of The Art of Happiness about evolution and change in romantic relationships. Expecting the same level of passion and excitement to remain constant in a relationship over the years is not always realistic. Change and evolution happen in relationships, and one shouldn't view it negatively. I really needed to read that. Nick and I have been together for over 3 years now, and our honeymoon phase is definitely over, but we have evolved into a beautiful domestic partnership. We are still in love, even though the passion has evolved and changed. I am excited to share this book with Nick when I go home."

This was a very important realization for me- knowing that just because Nick and I have evolved, doesn't mean we've fallen out of love. When I realized this, I began to miss him terribly. When I returned home, I couldn't get enough of him. Not only had my trip rejuvenated me , but rejuvenated my relationship.

6:45 pm

"Crippling anxiety as I hide in my hotel room with the curtains drawn.

I'm trying to work through it, but I'm still feeling weak and hungover, which isn't helping.

I had to psych myself up to get dressed for dinner, and when I walked into the restaurant they were not open yet, and I was asked to come back in 10 minutes. I crumbled. Of course, the over-zealous fat girl would be the first to arrive! Was that running through their minds? Why am I letting something so small and pointless get to me? The idea of facing that same waiter again is turning my stomach!

I'm sitting here in my room thinking, you know, you don't REALLY need supper...but that is an unhealthy thought process. I skipped breakfast and lunch, and I really do need to eat. I'm trying to be calm and kind to myself right now , and walk out that door, and have a pleasant meal.

I'm feeling hyper-visible today, a loner, a weirdo. I cannot believe I have not made friends. Everyone I've tried to talk to has blown me off- which is odd for me, since I'm such a social person, and make friends easily at home. Everyone here is so normal, maybe I weird them out? Where are the damn alternative people?

I'm imagining walking into the restaurant, all eyes on me, as usual, but WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?! I'm alone, I'm weird, I'm fat, I'm tattooed, (I look damn fantastic in this dress though)...THE ONE MAKING THE BIGGEST DEAL ABOUT THIS SITUATION- IS ME!

Get over it. Put your shoes back on. Go have some squash and fish and wine, and ENJOY IT!"

This was by far my worst anxiety attack of the week. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share the above journal entry, but I feel it is important to show thought processes of someone gripped by anxiety. This is the reality. I am very aware , even at the time I am panicking, that it is ridiculous and pointless, but it doesn't stop the panic. I have to work through it. I haven't always been able to work through it, and I know many others who have a hard time working through it, and who will let their anxiety and panic keep them behind closed doors. It seems like a small, insignificant moment of my trip to blog about, but I wanted to be totally honest and open, and share all aspects of my learning and growth.

7:45 pm

"Now I'm proud to say I'm eating and keeping myself calm. I put my glasses on as if to hide behind them. Less attention. Or maybe it's just perceived as less I don't know. I'm really starting to see this trip as a social experiment. I'm learning quite a bit about others and especially myself."

April 3rd was a largely un-eventful day in terms of a vacation, but, was very important in terms of healing and recovering. This entry has been difficult to share as it is so very personal, and a very different "me" that I usually share on my blog. Every person has weak moments, and every person has their hurdles.

April 4th will be rather quiet, as well, a sort of calm-before-the-storm that is the beauty and intensity of the rest of my trip. I am eager to share it with you all!

xo

Lenora

My Big , Fat, Cuban Vacation- Round 2- April 2nd- Anxiety rears it's ugly head

April 2nd
10am

"At the beach. A little more exposed today and mostly comfortable. Except the hotel worker/ security guard seated 4 feet to my left and staring and whistling. Whatever. Take it all in buddy. Being alone is harder than I thought. I'd love to make some friends to drink and eat with. I'm trying not to be lonely but it is proving increasingly hard. I wonder what the other guests think of me. The weird loner perhaps. Oh stop with the negativity and anxiety! I'm just having an off day"

6:49pm

"Supper time. Not really hungry just being social I guess. I've been embarrassed by first sitting at a table reserved for a birthday and being asked to move. I feel like everyone is staring.  My anxiety is spiraling. Gotta keep it under control. I'm going to go for a walk on the beach to take photos and drink my face off later"

For the majority of the day, as you can see,  I was feeling very anxious. I was having a down day. It was a challenge for me to go for meals and not feel self-conscious being alone. A large source of anxiety for me has always been eating alone, or being alone in public in general. Eating in public is such a social/ group behavior and every meal I had while in Cuba was a challenge. Each meal, however, did get easier. I realized other diners were probably a hell of a lot more interested in what was on their plate then the solo tattooed woman eating a plate full of squash. As I'd tackled earlier in the week- I realized mostly 100% of my anxiety was from myself, and as soon as I changed my own outlook, it became much easier. I still, however, continued to write notes on my I-Phone during each meal. It was my crutch, my surrogate companion. 

Of course, I did just as I said in my note,  and went to the beach to take photos of the sunset. 

Being alone on the beach attracted a few of the locals to speak to me and invite me to the local disco. I politely declined, but obliged when they asked to be photographed . I noticed these two, Juan and Oscar, frequently during the week, walking up and down the beach, flirting with yuma ( foreigners). I noticed quite a few times that they were being given little gifts from young , white women. No doubt in my mind these two are seasoned jineteros - flirting and wooing pretty, young, tourists for money and gifts. This is very common among male and female resort workers, as well. I cannot count how many times I was shamelessly flirted with, and then asked to bring beer or lunch to a certain place to "spend time together". Luckily, I was schooled on this behavior my last trip, and know better then to fall for it!

After the sun set, and the moon began to shine, I decided to run back to my room to fill my purse with cans of cerveza (beer) and returned to the beach. I sat under moon-lit palm trees and listened to the ocean passionately caress the shore. I asked the universe for strength, and I drank one too many beer. Luckily, a friendly security guard was close by , which put my mind at ease. I gave him a few beer, and he made sure I got back to my room safe and sound, as I'd wandered quite far down the dark beach.

All in all, April 2nd, and the next coming days, would be a test of what I'd come to learn so far. Anxiety and self-doubt would continue to pop up. I promise, all ended well, however!

XOX

Lenora