My apologies for the delay in writing the final entry in this series. I've been so busy! Here is the last entry in my journal from my trip.
April 7th,
3pm
"Sitting at the lobby bar, with a final mojito by my side. I've checked out, stashed my bags, and plan to enjoy the next few hours until I board the bus to the airport.
All in all, I am happy with this trip. I am proud of myself for doing this alone, fighting to stay positive, and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I had no idea I had so much to learn and overcome, and every single day was a complete blessing.
My mind wanders back to the beautiful water out on the boat yesterday, and how wonderfully calm and happy I felt. I will always hold those memories close, and draw on them when I need to be reminded of just how magical life can be.
At some point today, I plan to re-read all of what I have written this week. This is something I've always struggled with, re-reading any journals. I think I am finally in a place of strength and comfort to be able to properly self-reflect without fear or shame. In all my years of writing and recording my thoughts, I've always struggled with the idea of re-visiting my thoughts. I never have the strength to re-immerse myself in whatever emotions I had expressed, out of fear, maybe, of feeling those feelings all over again. I cannot go through life trying to avoid suffering. Suffering is a natural and needed part of life. Living without suffering isn't truly existing, and I've learned, this week, just how much I have been holding back from living my damn life. I have to let go of fear.
I now begin to wonder how to change my life for the better when I return home. Small steps, of course. Continue on a healthy mental path by allowing less negativity into my life, and continuing with my healthy eating habits. I am so invested in the idea of a total life over-haul , down to breathing new life and love into my relationship with Nick, to spending more time with friends and those I care about. As I said when I first touched my pen to this journal, I know I'm going to fly back home a new woman."
After a rollercoaster of a week, I was happy to be heading home. My heart and soul felt satiated. The trip home was pleasant, despite a cancelled flight due to a snow storm- but this allowed me to stay at a lovely hotel in Toronto, and continue to enjoy my triumph of eating alone without anxiety. Such a silly , small thing to mention, but the next morning in Toronto, I woke up to have breakfast in the restaurant across the street, and I didn't bring any distractions with me what so ever. No phone, no book... I enjoyed my meal and all the goings-on around me. Small victories!
When I booked this trip, I knew I needed to throw myself into the fire, and experience something raw. I had no idea what I would learn and experience. As I write this now, from bed , on a rainy evening...I almost cannot believe that I experienced such a true adventure.
I truly feel reborn, and have taken my life by the balls. I have been on the constant go since I came home- getting out of the house, trying new things, making new friends, accepting new challenges; it is pure bliss. Friends and loved ones have commented on a certain "glow" I seem to be radiating - and I tell them : " It is happiness. It is freedom".
We are currently planting an urban garden on our back patio. Kale, tomatoes, peppers, radish, strawberry, raspberry, green beans, snap peas, spinach...all started from seeds, and already sprouting wonderfully. I am slowly transforming the patio into an urban oasis; a safe space for me to sit, read, and enjoy the life growing all around me. After a week confessing my sins and fears to the ocean- I feel so much more connected to nature and the Universe. I cannot quite describe the feeling. I am turning that new connection into a hobby. Seeing life grow all around me, and tending and caring for it as it slowly grows from the ground has been really profound.
Just minutes before I sat down to write this final entry- I was packing my suitcase yet again. In one week's time, I will be hoping another plane, back to Cuba. This time, to Santa Clara, and this time, with my wonderful partner, Nick, by my side. We found an amazing deal, Nick had vacation time to use up, and I wanted to go on another adventure and hopefully discover new things, this time with my boyfriend. We didn't think twice about booking. I have given Nick The Art of Happiness to read on the trip- I want us to be on the same page. I want him to get a taste of the freedom I achieved just a few short weeks ago.
Sure, maybe taking a 3rd trip in just a few months may seem lavish or irresponsible, but we are both at a time in our lives where we can afford both financially and time-wise, to take these trips. Who knows when we will have these opportunities again, so we are truly living in the moment.
Without drawing this entry out too long , in summary...I very much feel like the woman writing these words to you today is an entirely happier, healthier, rejuvenated, human...I am humbled and grateful for the experience and all that I learned, and I feel SO EXCITED to be living my life in new ways. Every day is such a blessing, and I'm so ecstatic to finally realize this.
I want to thank all of you who've been reading along, and all those who've reached out with your emails, messages, and phone calls. The response has been unbelievable. To those who've said I've inspired you to take new steps- you have no idea how unbelievably touched I am that I could make any difference , even a tiny one, in your life or outlook. Thank you all, from the very bottom of my heart.
Here's to a new adventure, each and every day.
Xoxo Lenora
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