My Big, Fat, Cuban Vacation Round 2- Day 1, ODE TO MY BELLY

April 1st, 3:45pm

"I just fell back in love with my body.

I just gave it so much love.

I indulged in vanity and took all sorts of fatkini self- portraits.

I exposed my big fat tummy in all it's glory and jumped on the bed and drank beer. I laughed and cried and yelled and giggled. I wrote on my tummy with my favorite red lipstick-" Cuba 2012". I photographed it, I smeared it. I loved every minute.

My stomach has been my final frontier. My last hurdle to overcome. The dimples , the stretch marks, the sheer size and how it overhangs. I grabbed it with both hands and accepted it. I grabbed it the way I used to grab it when I was an athlete swimmer, after a race, when, even though I beat my best time,won a race, and won a ribbon, I still felt it held me back. It never held me back. I grabbed it with that intensity but this time, in a positive way.

This body has experienced such beauty. How could I ever let any force in the universe tell me anything about this amazing vessel is wrong? I'm sorry , dear stomach, for never loving you. I'm sorry for putting things on you to make you look smaller but cutting into you and leaving scars. I'm sorry for wishing I could just cut you off. I'm sorry for not acknowledging your political power. I love you like every other part of me- not because you are different and boldly YOU, but because you've possessed this transcendent beauty and power , always, because you are part of how I live this beautiful life.

I'm sitting on my balcony looking out at the sea through teary eyes. How have I never realized existing was so beautiful ?? "

After I wrote this, I felt completely reborn. I was FREE. I wanted to run and prance on the beach and share all that I was feeling with the Universe. I washed off the lipstick on my stomach, I changed my hair flower, and I slipped into a bathing suit I've never worn in public, and I pranced down to the beach UNASHAMED.

"Writing after an amazing swim in the warm ocean. I've never felt such warm sea water. I asked the universe for more waves and she provided. It was moving. Floating freely, waves crashing over my exposed body. I firmly believe salt water cures all- be it sweat, tears , or the ocean. I feel rejuvenated. I'm going to doll myself up for dinner and the show. I don't care who stares, screw blending in! "

This day, was, by far, the most eye-opening and life-changing for me. As much as I've always been a body-acceptance advocate, my stomach was, as I said above, my final frontier I'd never truly accepted. Showing these photos to the world is the ultimate challenge- one that I am proud of myself for tackling.

Later that evening, I tackled a major anxiety of mine- eating alone. Many of my Iphone journal entries were written while eating, mostly to make myself look busy. After such a great , empowering day, I felt much better about being alone and eating...

"First night solo. I feel I am exuding grace and poise. Eating alone was far less stressful then it was this morning. I took my time and enjoyed my food as well as the flirty waiters. Now I'm sitting solo in the lobby having a drink to kill time before the show. Eyes on me ,I can feel them,but I will not crumble or fall victim to my anxiety. I feel I've accomplished so much in just one day. And here I thought 8 days wouldn't be enough. I'll be a brand spanking new person when I fly home".
"

Live your BIG FAT LIFE, always.

Tomorrow holds anxiety and giving into some of my fears. Highs and lows to every journey!

xox

My Big, Fat, Cuban Vacation- Day 1. Conquering solo dining, and using compassion to overcome anxiety.

April 1st, 10am

"First day at the beach. Found myself a little private nook with a palm sun shade and a little privacy thanks to some bushes and plants. Ive wadded in the water and let myself feel everything.
As the sun browns my skin I hope it is also enriching me with new life. Newwisdom. New strength. I've been unashamed of my big fat body- paying no attention to  whether the way I'm laying is flattering or not. I'll catch people passing by looking. I'm choosing to assume they are thinking "hey look at that unashamed woman " instead of something negative. Letting go of my insecurities also means letting go of my assumptions of others. Also coming to terms wih the fact not everyone is going to like me, and that is okay.

I'm currently reading The Art of Happiness by The Dalai Lama and learning about compassion. Having compassion in people and feeling where they are coming from before judging them or their actions in the world and towards me. This has been wildly helpful. 

I have been trying to let go of negativity in my life for sometime now, and this trip is a major test. I will not pretend it isn't scary. Coming to terms with unhealthy parts of myself is very hard. Things I haven't wanted to admit to myself or take ownership of. The biggest hurdle for me as of late has been my relationship with food. I'm learning finally, to stop self medicating. I would use excessive unhealthy food and a bandage on my anxiety. The last three weeks I've been on a diet of sorts- yes my food is very restricted, but I'm looking at it more like a mental diet. Weaning myself off a crutch. I cannot deny that seeing a smaller body in the mirror is a great side effect.

Weight loss for me has always been so mentally trying. I feel the pressure of society wanting me thinner and I am vigilantly against it. I say a big "fuck you" to that pressure and always encorage others to do the same. Now that I do have some weight loss goals I'm so passionately trying to make people understand it is for my own health and happiness and not to adhere to the mould. But I realize I'm wasting energy with that. Fuck what others think. I do not have to justify anything I chose to do with my body.

That statement was freeing to write.

I'm almost moved to tears here on this beach.

This is exactly why I am here."

This particular morning on the beach was on of the most powerful I had all week, second only to later in the same day. Letting myself confront my insecurities was powerful and healing. After writing the above entry on my I-Phone on the beach, I was having an afternoon beverage in the lobby bar infront of the fountain, and journalled further about the morning....

"Thinking about more my anxieties, I realize I have a major issue with not feeling GOOD ENOUGH. A constant source of anxiety for me is whether a person likes me. I realize how idiotic this anxiety is, and trust me when I write that I know it is my fatal flaw. 

I AM OKAY.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

If others do not feel that way, I cannot let it ruin my outlook, ruin my strength, or ruin my self-worth. 

I am so comfortable and happy I could cry. Right here, under the Cuban sun, the gentle babble of the fountain, I feel totally alone- and that is NOT a bad thing. I am so comfortable in my solitude for the first time in my life. "

April 1st had so much more instore for me. The above was powerful and freeing, but the biggest and most moving parts are yet to come...

My Big,Fat,Cuban Vacation Round 2- Arrival and Game Plan.

10pm, March 31st.

"Lounging, exhausted ,after a long day of travel- I am in Cuba for the second time in less than three months. This time, I am totally alone. I threw my anxieties into the fire, and took a leap right into adventure.

This trip is one of self-discovery, self-care, self-love and self-awakening. Doing whatever I wish- the ultimate freedom.

I am unpacked after a joyous greeting from familiar faces here at the resort. The star treatment is putting it lightly - a fully stocked personal in-room bar, and I have the most amazing view. Full ocean scape from my balcony. I am spoiled!

It is too late and I am too tired to socialize- but tomorrow, I look forward to reading and writing on the beach, and getting some damn color on my skin!"

Even from the beginning of my trip, I could sense something was about to change within me. I put myself in the mind-set to accept change and challenge. This was about to lead to some mind-blowing realizations in coming days, and letting go of many anxieties and personal hang-ups.

Just a short entry today, but Day 1 will hold so much more...

My Big , Fat, Cuban Vacation- Round 2

Hello my lovelies.

As some of you know, I recently returned from my 2nd trip to Cuba in 2 months. My 1st trip back in January found me terribly sick for the majority, and my life had been a whirl-wind of anxiety and depression for several weeks there after. I made the decision to throw myself out of my comfort zone- and book a 2nd trip, solo.

I have decided to write a series of personal, in-depth entries about my trip. My trip was one of self-care, self-love, self-exploration, and self-discovery. I journaled extensively daily, and found answers to questions I hadn't even planned on asking. I let my tears fall into the sand and into the ocean, and found new love for life ,myself, and others. The journey is one I want to share with you all. I feel I have returned a new woman, and I'd like to introduce you all to her.

So, in coming days, I will be sharing approximately 8 entries from various stages of my trip. I will structure the entries by sharing exerts from my Iphone notes or journal entries, and writing an after-thought and reflection. Of course, I'll be sharing photos along the way.

So, I invite you to come along on this journey with me.

XOX

Lenora

Stylish Individual Series by Betty le Bon Bon- Interview

Hey folks.

I was recently interviewed by the lovely Betty Le Bo Bon as part of her "Stylish Individuals" series.

Click on over to read me yap about myself/ my style HERE

Winter Warming- Costume dance party.

Hello bunnies!

Last night Aberdeen Cultural Center and the TBA Collective hosted their 2nd Annual Winter Warming- a gathering of sounds, lights, and people in one of our city's historic buildings. It was a wonderful dance party with a killer light show, and the twist? It was a costume party, too!

Conveniently, Aberdeen is directly across the street from my home, so it was very convenient for us to mix up some drinks, and scoot over for some dancing and socializing! Kaycie and I threw some costumes together, and away we went!

I decided to be Hathor- the Egyptian goddess of music, dance and drunkenness. She was sometimes portrayed as a cow- so appropriate! A vintage velvet gown paired with various thrifted jewelry pieces, a coin belt, and a 1960s gold hat...voila!

Kaycie went as vaudevillian/ circus performer.

We had some drinks and took lots of silly photos...

The TBA Collective really delivered on their promise of a great light show. Psychedelics were projected on the walls, lasers, bubbles of light....fantastic! It was beautiful to see everyone dancing... so many different kinds of people, bodies, lifestyles- together.

I'm really pleased with how Moncton is shaping up these days. More events, more community involvement... I'm very proud to call this place my home.

If you'd like to see more photos of the event, you can check out my Flick page -http://www.flickr.com/photos/lenoralenoire/sets/72157629458873459

XOXO

Lenora

Fatshion February- outfits so far!

Hello bunnies!

So, this is the 2nd year that folks in the body-acceptance and fat-positive online communities have participated in a lil thing called Fatshion February! To beat the winter blahs, and to get some hot, fat, bodies out in the media- we try to wear our best outfits and document them every day and share them with the world. Mostly, this is taking place on Tumblr, but it can also be seen and tracked on blogger, Flickr, facebook, twitter, etc.

As you all know, I'm already an avid outfit-blogger, so I couldn't resist participating! I have to say, I love the sense of community that is going on right now. Radical self-love and support of each other is so damn fantastic, don't you think? This year there is a big push to see more gender-variance, people of color, and differently-abled folks as well! I love the diversity going on!

Here are some of my outfits so far this month

As you can see, one day I was dressed up as a cigarette girl- that was for a fundraising night at the bar for River of Pride. I passed out free candy, condoms and pride flag stickers!

You can see more of my outfits over on my Flickr page and as always, follow my daily musings on Tumblr and Twitter.

Are any of your participating in Fatshion February?

XOX

Lenora