1pm
"Spent the afternoon out on the dock letting go of yesterday's pain, and absorbing the healing power of the sun and sea. I'm currently eating lunch, and again, am feeling the persistent tug of anxiety. I'm choosing to rise above."
April 4th I began to let go of the last bits of my anxiety but I was still feeling heavy with self-doubt. I spent pretty much the entire day out on the dock reading, writing, relaxing, napping, swimming...it was lovely.
7pm-
"Dinner. Three glasses of white wine, talapia, and another mountain of julienne squash with vinegar. I feel like I am just going through the motions today. Self-discovery happened, I let go of some demons...and now I just feel lonely. Maybe I'm not the kind of person who should travel alone? I'm determined to enjoy the rest of my trip, though!"
What I didn't realize at the time, is that I'd look back at those moments of self-doubt and be extremely thankful for them. I *am* the type to travel alone, because I couldn't possibly have learned so much about myself if I hadn't been thrown out of my comfort zone. Something clicked for me after that meal. I got TIRED of feeling uncomfortable . I made a damn change. I set down my napkin, and instead of heading back to my room, I marched my ass right to the bar. I didn't care about being alone anymore.
9:30pm-
"At the bar, whiskey sour in hand, enjoying the band play. I've made some wonderful friends from the UK, who invited me to join their table. We've been gabbing and giggling and sharing stories from home. They've scurried off for a bite to eat, but will be returning. I'm saving the table, and feeling comfortable being alone. It's funny. Once I stopped caring that I was alone, it seems others did, as well."
This particular evening was a breakthrough for me. After a rough couple of days, I was feeling genuine happiness and pride in myself again. I made myself push through my insecurities, and was rewarded with meeting beautifully kind and down to earth people. Before I went to bed, I took a wander on the beach, and dipped my toes into the water....and said a big thank you, out loud. I made it a point to confess my sins and problems and woes to the ocean everyday, and ask it for forgiveness, and give thanks. The ocean has always held so much power to me...and it just felt right.
April 5th would test my positive outlook, and test my ability to deal with negativity. Until tomorrow,
xox
Lenora
2 comments:
Your posts are inspiring me. I think I need to do something like this to find myself and work through some anxieties.
(BTW, I'm using my Google account because I'm having a little trouble with posting using OpenID. Every time I type the captcha it tells me it didn't match).
I haven't been commenting as these go along because every time I try to write a comment all it comes out as is: "!!!!!!!! !! !!!!!!!!"
...which is pretty much how I feel about this whole series of posts. It is super inspiring and I am impressed by your courage, in posting it all but even before that in continuing to push yourself through this journey--it's so much more than I think I would have allowed myself to do at this juncture, and I am super impressed. You are giving me food for thought/consideration!
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