My Big , Fat, Cuban Vacation- Round 2- April 2nd- Anxiety rears it's ugly head

April 2nd
10am

"At the beach. A little more exposed today and mostly comfortable. Except the hotel worker/ security guard seated 4 feet to my left and staring and whistling. Whatever. Take it all in buddy. Being alone is harder than I thought. I'd love to make some friends to drink and eat with. I'm trying not to be lonely but it is proving increasingly hard. I wonder what the other guests think of me. The weird loner perhaps. Oh stop with the negativity and anxiety! I'm just having an off day"

6:49pm

"Supper time. Not really hungry just being social I guess. I've been embarrassed by first sitting at a table reserved for a birthday and being asked to move. I feel like everyone is staring.  My anxiety is spiraling. Gotta keep it under control. I'm going to go for a walk on the beach to take photos and drink my face off later"

For the majority of the day, as you can see,  I was feeling very anxious. I was having a down day. It was a challenge for me to go for meals and not feel self-conscious being alone. A large source of anxiety for me has always been eating alone, or being alone in public in general. Eating in public is such a social/ group behavior and every meal I had while in Cuba was a challenge. Each meal, however, did get easier. I realized other diners were probably a hell of a lot more interested in what was on their plate then the solo tattooed woman eating a plate full of squash. As I'd tackled earlier in the week- I realized mostly 100% of my anxiety was from myself, and as soon as I changed my own outlook, it became much easier. I still, however, continued to write notes on my I-Phone during each meal. It was my crutch, my surrogate companion. 

Of course, I did just as I said in my note,  and went to the beach to take photos of the sunset. 

Being alone on the beach attracted a few of the locals to speak to me and invite me to the local disco. I politely declined, but obliged when they asked to be photographed . I noticed these two, Juan and Oscar, frequently during the week, walking up and down the beach, flirting with yuma ( foreigners). I noticed quite a few times that they were being given little gifts from young , white women. No doubt in my mind these two are seasoned jineteros - flirting and wooing pretty, young, tourists for money and gifts. This is very common among male and female resort workers, as well. I cannot count how many times I was shamelessly flirted with, and then asked to bring beer or lunch to a certain place to "spend time together". Luckily, I was schooled on this behavior my last trip, and know better then to fall for it!

After the sun set, and the moon began to shine, I decided to run back to my room to fill my purse with cans of cerveza (beer) and returned to the beach. I sat under moon-lit palm trees and listened to the ocean passionately caress the shore. I asked the universe for strength, and I drank one too many beer. Luckily, a friendly security guard was close by , which put my mind at ease. I gave him a few beer, and he made sure I got back to my room safe and sound, as I'd wandered quite far down the dark beach.

All in all, April 2nd, and the next coming days, would be a test of what I'd come to learn so far. Anxiety and self-doubt would continue to pop up. I promise, all ended well, however!

XOX

Lenora