My Big,Fat,Cuban Vacation Round 2- April 4th- Sunbathing, Self-Doubt, Healing, and new friends!

April 4th,

1pm

"Spent the afternoon out on the dock letting go of yesterday's pain, and absorbing the healing power of the sun and sea. I'm currently eating lunch, and again, am feeling the persistent tug of anxiety. I'm choosing to rise above."

April 4th I began to let go of the last bits of my anxiety but I was still feeling heavy with self-doubt. I spent pretty much the entire day out on the dock reading, writing, relaxing, napping, swimming...it was lovely.

7pm-

"Dinner. Three glasses of white wine, talapia, and another mountain of julienne squash with vinegar. I feel like I am just going through the motions today. Self-discovery happened, I let go of some demons...and now I just feel lonely. Maybe I'm not the kind of person who should travel alone? I'm determined to enjoy the rest of my trip, though!"

What I didn't realize at the time, is that I'd look back at those moments of self-doubt and be extremely thankful for them. I *am* the type to travel alone, because I couldn't possibly have learned so much about myself if I hadn't been thrown out of my comfort zone. Something clicked for me after that meal. I got TIRED of feeling uncomfortable . I made a damn change. I set down my napkin, and instead of heading back to my room, I marched my ass right to the bar. I didn't care about being alone anymore.

9:30pm-

"At the bar, whiskey sour in hand, enjoying the band play. I've made some wonderful friends from the UK, who invited me to join their table. We've been gabbing and giggling and sharing stories from home. They've scurried off for a bite to eat, but will be returning. I'm saving the table, and feeling comfortable being alone. It's funny. Once I stopped caring that I was alone, it seems others did, as well."

This particular evening was a breakthrough for me. After a rough couple of days, I was feeling genuine happiness and pride in myself again. I made myself push through my insecurities, and was rewarded with meeting beautifully kind and down to earth people. Before I went to bed, I took a wander on the beach, and dipped my toes into the water....and said a big thank you, out loud. I made it a point to confess my sins and problems and woes to the ocean everyday, and ask it for forgiveness, and give thanks. The ocean has always held so much power to me...and it just felt right.

April 5th would test my positive outlook, and test my ability to deal with negativity. Until tomorrow,

xox

Lenora

My Big,Fat,Cuban Vacation Round 2- April 3rd- The evolution of relationships and overcoming more crippling anxiety.

April 3rd.

2pm

"Terribly hungover on the beach, but feeling good after reading a great part of The Art of Happiness about evolution and change in romantic relationships. Expecting the same level of passion and excitement to remain constant in a relationship over the years is not always realistic. Change and evolution happen in relationships, and one shouldn't view it negatively. I really needed to read that. Nick and I have been together for over 3 years now, and our honeymoon phase is definitely over, but we have evolved into a beautiful domestic partnership. We are still in love, even though the passion has evolved and changed. I am excited to share this book with Nick when I go home."

This was a very important realization for me- knowing that just because Nick and I have evolved, doesn't mean we've fallen out of love. When I realized this, I began to miss him terribly. When I returned home, I couldn't get enough of him. Not only had my trip rejuvenated me , but rejuvenated my relationship.

6:45 pm

"Crippling anxiety as I hide in my hotel room with the curtains drawn.

I'm trying to work through it, but I'm still feeling weak and hungover, which isn't helping.

I had to psych myself up to get dressed for dinner, and when I walked into the restaurant they were not open yet, and I was asked to come back in 10 minutes. I crumbled. Of course, the over-zealous fat girl would be the first to arrive! Was that running through their minds? Why am I letting something so small and pointless get to me? The idea of facing that same waiter again is turning my stomach!

I'm sitting here in my room thinking, you know, you don't REALLY need supper...but that is an unhealthy thought process. I skipped breakfast and lunch, and I really do need to eat. I'm trying to be calm and kind to myself right now , and walk out that door, and have a pleasant meal.

I'm feeling hyper-visible today, a loner, a weirdo. I cannot believe I have not made friends. Everyone I've tried to talk to has blown me off- which is odd for me, since I'm such a social person, and make friends easily at home. Everyone here is so normal, maybe I weird them out? Where are the damn alternative people?

I'm imagining walking into the restaurant, all eyes on me, as usual, but WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?! I'm alone, I'm weird, I'm fat, I'm tattooed, (I look damn fantastic in this dress though)...THE ONE MAKING THE BIGGEST DEAL ABOUT THIS SITUATION- IS ME!

Get over it. Put your shoes back on. Go have some squash and fish and wine, and ENJOY IT!"

This was by far my worst anxiety attack of the week. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share the above journal entry, but I feel it is important to show thought processes of someone gripped by anxiety. This is the reality. I am very aware , even at the time I am panicking, that it is ridiculous and pointless, but it doesn't stop the panic. I have to work through it. I haven't always been able to work through it, and I know many others who have a hard time working through it, and who will let their anxiety and panic keep them behind closed doors. It seems like a small, insignificant moment of my trip to blog about, but I wanted to be totally honest and open, and share all aspects of my learning and growth.

7:45 pm

"Now I'm proud to say I'm eating and keeping myself calm. I put my glasses on as if to hide behind them. Less attention. Or maybe it's just perceived as less I don't know. I'm really starting to see this trip as a social experiment. I'm learning quite a bit about others and especially myself."

April 3rd was a largely un-eventful day in terms of a vacation, but, was very important in terms of healing and recovering. This entry has been difficult to share as it is so very personal, and a very different "me" that I usually share on my blog. Every person has weak moments, and every person has their hurdles.

April 4th will be rather quiet, as well, a sort of calm-before-the-storm that is the beauty and intensity of the rest of my trip. I am eager to share it with you all!

xo

Lenora

My Big , Fat, Cuban Vacation- Round 2- April 2nd- Anxiety rears it's ugly head

April 2nd
10am

"At the beach. A little more exposed today and mostly comfortable. Except the hotel worker/ security guard seated 4 feet to my left and staring and whistling. Whatever. Take it all in buddy. Being alone is harder than I thought. I'd love to make some friends to drink and eat with. I'm trying not to be lonely but it is proving increasingly hard. I wonder what the other guests think of me. The weird loner perhaps. Oh stop with the negativity and anxiety! I'm just having an off day"

6:49pm

"Supper time. Not really hungry just being social I guess. I've been embarrassed by first sitting at a table reserved for a birthday and being asked to move. I feel like everyone is staring.  My anxiety is spiraling. Gotta keep it under control. I'm going to go for a walk on the beach to take photos and drink my face off later"

For the majority of the day, as you can see,  I was feeling very anxious. I was having a down day. It was a challenge for me to go for meals and not feel self-conscious being alone. A large source of anxiety for me has always been eating alone, or being alone in public in general. Eating in public is such a social/ group behavior and every meal I had while in Cuba was a challenge. Each meal, however, did get easier. I realized other diners were probably a hell of a lot more interested in what was on their plate then the solo tattooed woman eating a plate full of squash. As I'd tackled earlier in the week- I realized mostly 100% of my anxiety was from myself, and as soon as I changed my own outlook, it became much easier. I still, however, continued to write notes on my I-Phone during each meal. It was my crutch, my surrogate companion. 

Of course, I did just as I said in my note,  and went to the beach to take photos of the sunset. 

Being alone on the beach attracted a few of the locals to speak to me and invite me to the local disco. I politely declined, but obliged when they asked to be photographed . I noticed these two, Juan and Oscar, frequently during the week, walking up and down the beach, flirting with yuma ( foreigners). I noticed quite a few times that they were being given little gifts from young , white women. No doubt in my mind these two are seasoned jineteros - flirting and wooing pretty, young, tourists for money and gifts. This is very common among male and female resort workers, as well. I cannot count how many times I was shamelessly flirted with, and then asked to bring beer or lunch to a certain place to "spend time together". Luckily, I was schooled on this behavior my last trip, and know better then to fall for it!

After the sun set, and the moon began to shine, I decided to run back to my room to fill my purse with cans of cerveza (beer) and returned to the beach. I sat under moon-lit palm trees and listened to the ocean passionately caress the shore. I asked the universe for strength, and I drank one too many beer. Luckily, a friendly security guard was close by , which put my mind at ease. I gave him a few beer, and he made sure I got back to my room safe and sound, as I'd wandered quite far down the dark beach.

All in all, April 2nd, and the next coming days, would be a test of what I'd come to learn so far. Anxiety and self-doubt would continue to pop up. I promise, all ended well, however!

XOX

Lenora

My Big, Fat, Cuban Vacation Round 2- Day 1, ODE TO MY BELLY

April 1st, 3:45pm

"I just fell back in love with my body.

I just gave it so much love.

I indulged in vanity and took all sorts of fatkini self- portraits.

I exposed my big fat tummy in all it's glory and jumped on the bed and drank beer. I laughed and cried and yelled and giggled. I wrote on my tummy with my favorite red lipstick-" Cuba 2012". I photographed it, I smeared it. I loved every minute.

My stomach has been my final frontier. My last hurdle to overcome. The dimples , the stretch marks, the sheer size and how it overhangs. I grabbed it with both hands and accepted it. I grabbed it the way I used to grab it when I was an athlete swimmer, after a race, when, even though I beat my best time,won a race, and won a ribbon, I still felt it held me back. It never held me back. I grabbed it with that intensity but this time, in a positive way.

This body has experienced such beauty. How could I ever let any force in the universe tell me anything about this amazing vessel is wrong? I'm sorry , dear stomach, for never loving you. I'm sorry for putting things on you to make you look smaller but cutting into you and leaving scars. I'm sorry for wishing I could just cut you off. I'm sorry for not acknowledging your political power. I love you like every other part of me- not because you are different and boldly YOU, but because you've possessed this transcendent beauty and power , always, because you are part of how I live this beautiful life.

I'm sitting on my balcony looking out at the sea through teary eyes. How have I never realized existing was so beautiful ?? "

After I wrote this, I felt completely reborn. I was FREE. I wanted to run and prance on the beach and share all that I was feeling with the Universe. I washed off the lipstick on my stomach, I changed my hair flower, and I slipped into a bathing suit I've never worn in public, and I pranced down to the beach UNASHAMED.

"Writing after an amazing swim in the warm ocean. I've never felt such warm sea water. I asked the universe for more waves and she provided. It was moving. Floating freely, waves crashing over my exposed body. I firmly believe salt water cures all- be it sweat, tears , or the ocean. I feel rejuvenated. I'm going to doll myself up for dinner and the show. I don't care who stares, screw blending in! "

This day, was, by far, the most eye-opening and life-changing for me. As much as I've always been a body-acceptance advocate, my stomach was, as I said above, my final frontier I'd never truly accepted. Showing these photos to the world is the ultimate challenge- one that I am proud of myself for tackling.

Later that evening, I tackled a major anxiety of mine- eating alone. Many of my Iphone journal entries were written while eating, mostly to make myself look busy. After such a great , empowering day, I felt much better about being alone and eating...

"First night solo. I feel I am exuding grace and poise. Eating alone was far less stressful then it was this morning. I took my time and enjoyed my food as well as the flirty waiters. Now I'm sitting solo in the lobby having a drink to kill time before the show. Eyes on me ,I can feel them,but I will not crumble or fall victim to my anxiety. I feel I've accomplished so much in just one day. And here I thought 8 days wouldn't be enough. I'll be a brand spanking new person when I fly home".
"

Live your BIG FAT LIFE, always.

Tomorrow holds anxiety and giving into some of my fears. Highs and lows to every journey!

xox

My Big, Fat, Cuban Vacation- Day 1. Conquering solo dining, and using compassion to overcome anxiety.

April 1st, 10am

"First day at the beach. Found myself a little private nook with a palm sun shade and a little privacy thanks to some bushes and plants. Ive wadded in the water and let myself feel everything.
As the sun browns my skin I hope it is also enriching me with new life. Newwisdom. New strength. I've been unashamed of my big fat body- paying no attention to  whether the way I'm laying is flattering or not. I'll catch people passing by looking. I'm choosing to assume they are thinking "hey look at that unashamed woman " instead of something negative. Letting go of my insecurities also means letting go of my assumptions of others. Also coming to terms wih the fact not everyone is going to like me, and that is okay.

I'm currently reading The Art of Happiness by The Dalai Lama and learning about compassion. Having compassion in people and feeling where they are coming from before judging them or their actions in the world and towards me. This has been wildly helpful. 

I have been trying to let go of negativity in my life for sometime now, and this trip is a major test. I will not pretend it isn't scary. Coming to terms with unhealthy parts of myself is very hard. Things I haven't wanted to admit to myself or take ownership of. The biggest hurdle for me as of late has been my relationship with food. I'm learning finally, to stop self medicating. I would use excessive unhealthy food and a bandage on my anxiety. The last three weeks I've been on a diet of sorts- yes my food is very restricted, but I'm looking at it more like a mental diet. Weaning myself off a crutch. I cannot deny that seeing a smaller body in the mirror is a great side effect.

Weight loss for me has always been so mentally trying. I feel the pressure of society wanting me thinner and I am vigilantly against it. I say a big "fuck you" to that pressure and always encorage others to do the same. Now that I do have some weight loss goals I'm so passionately trying to make people understand it is for my own health and happiness and not to adhere to the mould. But I realize I'm wasting energy with that. Fuck what others think. I do not have to justify anything I chose to do with my body.

That statement was freeing to write.

I'm almost moved to tears here on this beach.

This is exactly why I am here."

This particular morning on the beach was on of the most powerful I had all week, second only to later in the same day. Letting myself confront my insecurities was powerful and healing. After writing the above entry on my I-Phone on the beach, I was having an afternoon beverage in the lobby bar infront of the fountain, and journalled further about the morning....

"Thinking about more my anxieties, I realize I have a major issue with not feeling GOOD ENOUGH. A constant source of anxiety for me is whether a person likes me. I realize how idiotic this anxiety is, and trust me when I write that I know it is my fatal flaw. 

I AM OKAY.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

If others do not feel that way, I cannot let it ruin my outlook, ruin my strength, or ruin my self-worth. 

I am so comfortable and happy I could cry. Right here, under the Cuban sun, the gentle babble of the fountain, I feel totally alone- and that is NOT a bad thing. I am so comfortable in my solitude for the first time in my life. "

April 1st had so much more instore for me. The above was powerful and freeing, but the biggest and most moving parts are yet to come...

My Big,Fat,Cuban Vacation Round 2- Arrival and Game Plan.

10pm, March 31st.

"Lounging, exhausted ,after a long day of travel- I am in Cuba for the second time in less than three months. This time, I am totally alone. I threw my anxieties into the fire, and took a leap right into adventure.

This trip is one of self-discovery, self-care, self-love and self-awakening. Doing whatever I wish- the ultimate freedom.

I am unpacked after a joyous greeting from familiar faces here at the resort. The star treatment is putting it lightly - a fully stocked personal in-room bar, and I have the most amazing view. Full ocean scape from my balcony. I am spoiled!

It is too late and I am too tired to socialize- but tomorrow, I look forward to reading and writing on the beach, and getting some damn color on my skin!"

Even from the beginning of my trip, I could sense something was about to change within me. I put myself in the mind-set to accept change and challenge. This was about to lead to some mind-blowing realizations in coming days, and letting go of many anxieties and personal hang-ups.

Just a short entry today, but Day 1 will hold so much more...

My Big , Fat, Cuban Vacation- Round 2

Hello my lovelies.

As some of you know, I recently returned from my 2nd trip to Cuba in 2 months. My 1st trip back in January found me terribly sick for the majority, and my life had been a whirl-wind of anxiety and depression for several weeks there after. I made the decision to throw myself out of my comfort zone- and book a 2nd trip, solo.

I have decided to write a series of personal, in-depth entries about my trip. My trip was one of self-care, self-love, self-exploration, and self-discovery. I journaled extensively daily, and found answers to questions I hadn't even planned on asking. I let my tears fall into the sand and into the ocean, and found new love for life ,myself, and others. The journey is one I want to share with you all. I feel I have returned a new woman, and I'd like to introduce you all to her.

So, in coming days, I will be sharing approximately 8 entries from various stages of my trip. I will structure the entries by sharing exerts from my Iphone notes or journal entries, and writing an after-thought and reflection. Of course, I'll be sharing photos along the way.

So, I invite you to come along on this journey with me.

XOX

Lenora